So by now you’ve heard the unofficial results of the bank stress tests. Only ONE, that’s right, ONE bank out of the nineteen tested is in need of additional capital. SHOCKER!! I mean really, did anyone actually believe that the government would do more damage to the already-fragile banking system?
Last Friday, the government disclosed the measures that were used to test the banks. This Monday, the US markets opened lower. All of the talking heads will tell you that we opened lower because of the dangerous swine flu, but I find this to be a bit too convenient. Wag the Dog, anyone?
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Swine Flu Questions & Answers
From various web sites–CDC mostly
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
1600 Clifton Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30333, USA
800-CDC-INFO (800-232-4636)
TTY: (888) 232-6348
24 Hours/Every Day
cdcinfo@cdc.gov
What You Can Do to Stay Healthy
There are everyday actions people can take to stay healthy.
* Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
* Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hands cleaners are also effective.
* Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread that way.
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10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
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Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
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YOU ARE OLD WHEN
“OLD” IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN … Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN … A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN … Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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The Best “Out-Of-Office” E-Mail Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
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Diary of a Blonde Wife
*Monday:*
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
*Tuesday:*
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
*Wednesday:*
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Astrological Prayers
Aries
Dear God, please give me patience… And could you do it right now?
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Taurus
Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
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The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.
The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.
She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.
You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.
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An american was touring Mexico. After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver.
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