A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sickto my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on thefloor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
Is Your Jar Full?
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar……and the beer.
A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
According to msnbc.com yes, potholes can be used for speed control. So here’s a new road repair plan: Don’t bother.
–= Due to recent cutbacks, and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off =–
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the “Three Kick Rule.”
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 ( if I can do this you can too )
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
An overweight guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.
For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it.
Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.
These same studies have shown that application of warm, soft and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage.
So, the next time you get a black eye, here’s how to treat it…..
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